Its been rough around here. Mainly because our life is crazy due to the foster care system. I'm becoming increasing frustrated with the way the court system works and I find myself feeling like I'm not being heard. Like at all..EVER. I spent quite a bit of time in therapy trying to figure out how to get my voice heard and now I'm in a system where NO ONE has to listen.
I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well. I feel lonely. And even though I just want to crawl up in a ball I have to pull it together and be the Mom. I'm thinking about calling my therapist but she's the Volunteer of the Year at my kid's school. seriously she has a parking space and everything.I know that she would keep everything confidential but I'm just not sure how I feel about running into her outside the office. Then agian the thought of explaining everything to someone new seems worse.
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Still Sick
So I went for the results of my MRI. My lesion is still there. They hospital had the "head brain guy" as my doctor put it look at my scan because of course I have a very complex case. My neurologist told me that everyone who looks at my scan has a different opinion. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm glad that she takes it to others for opinions but it's a little scary that no one doctor sees my case the same way. I'm not sure how effect all the treatment was as it appears my findings were "stable". So did I just find a way to deal with the pain? Did I just get used to this new normal?
My doctor spent a lot of time talking to me about my new life as a foster Mom to 4 kids. She said I Seemed lime I was in a much better place. I remember the first visit I had after my spinal tap I just sobbed in her office because I was so scared. Scared that all of my dreams and plans were going to disappear. Scared I would never feel better. Scared that I would be blind or paralized. Declining prescription pain releivers for fear of becoming dependent on them.
She said to me that she wished more patients would handle sickness like me. That I'm one of the few headache patients with an abnormal MRI and despite that I'm living a full life. My response is simple now. Once I got past the depression I was lead down this path to a place where I get the privilege of loving these amazing kids and making a difference in their lives. Simply because I got sick.
We had a holiday party for work on Friday. I actually put my contacts in and makeup on. (My eyes don't do well this time of year anymore.) and a coworker said it was unnerving for him to see me without my glasses! How odd I thought before all of this it would have been the opposite statement about seeing me in glasses. That's ok. I'm fine being the Mom with glasses. Two years ago I wasn't sure I would live past now.
My doctor spent a lot of time talking to me about my new life as a foster Mom to 4 kids. She said I Seemed lime I was in a much better place. I remember the first visit I had after my spinal tap I just sobbed in her office because I was so scared. Scared that all of my dreams and plans were going to disappear. Scared I would never feel better. Scared that I would be blind or paralized. Declining prescription pain releivers for fear of becoming dependent on them.
She said to me that she wished more patients would handle sickness like me. That I'm one of the few headache patients with an abnormal MRI and despite that I'm living a full life. My response is simple now. Once I got past the depression I was lead down this path to a place where I get the privilege of loving these amazing kids and making a difference in their lives. Simply because I got sick.
We had a holiday party for work on Friday. I actually put my contacts in and makeup on. (My eyes don't do well this time of year anymore.) and a coworker said it was unnerving for him to see me without my glasses! How odd I thought before all of this it would have been the opposite statement about seeing me in glasses. That's ok. I'm fine being the Mom with glasses. Two years ago I wasn't sure I would live past now.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Trauma
In the past seven months I've learned a ton about trauma. I'm parenting 4 kids 3 of which have a severe trauma history. (Think every kind of abuse.) I've watched first hand as behaviors came out of no where in conjunction with trauma anniversaries but it wasn't until today that I became aware that I'm going through my own.
I've had this sense of sadness lately. Turning 30 was hard for me without my Grandma. Very clearly I recall her voicemail to me last year. "I'll owe you one." I never got that chance. When I was a little girl and my Great Grandma passed I always struggled with her passing around my birthday. She always remembered my birthday despite the 28 grandchildren and 4 other Great Granchdren she had.
My grandma was sick this time last year. She was going through chemotherapy. She wasn't eating. She had wasted away in her body. And in total ignorance of what would happen I carried on with my life. Completing the foster parenting classes and trying to finish climbing out of the deep hole depression had pushed me in. The doctors had told us she was going to get through the treatment. And then the day before Thanksgiving she passed. One week after her surgery.
We are quickly heading towards these holidays that mean so much to us and while we have already had our first Thanksgiving without her I somehow feel this will be harder. Also hard will be this weekend. We have to go to her antique booth to browse before my Grandfather closes it down. So much of her went into her antique business. Her handwriting is on ever price tag. Amounts of how much she paid neatly kept in her books. I don't want to see it gone because it's another tangible reminded that she isn't here. And my trauma of pain and loss kick right back in.
I've had this sense of sadness lately. Turning 30 was hard for me without my Grandma. Very clearly I recall her voicemail to me last year. "I'll owe you one." I never got that chance. When I was a little girl and my Great Grandma passed I always struggled with her passing around my birthday. She always remembered my birthday despite the 28 grandchildren and 4 other Great Granchdren she had.
My grandma was sick this time last year. She was going through chemotherapy. She wasn't eating. She had wasted away in her body. And in total ignorance of what would happen I carried on with my life. Completing the foster parenting classes and trying to finish climbing out of the deep hole depression had pushed me in. The doctors had told us she was going to get through the treatment. And then the day before Thanksgiving she passed. One week after her surgery.
We are quickly heading towards these holidays that mean so much to us and while we have already had our first Thanksgiving without her I somehow feel this will be harder. Also hard will be this weekend. We have to go to her antique booth to browse before my Grandfather closes it down. So much of her went into her antique business. Her handwriting is on ever price tag. Amounts of how much she paid neatly kept in her books. I don't want to see it gone because it's another tangible reminded that she isn't here. And my trauma of pain and loss kick right back in.
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