It has been a while...

The problem with a blog about illness is that when the illness isn't causing havoc there isn't much to write about.  The doctor never got to the bottom of the dizzy spells. Could be Sarcoid could be migraine. We ruled out something artery related and I haven't had any more spells since. My neurologist did leave the practice so I will be getting a new one. She referred me to the other doc in the practice that "loves unusal and hard to treat cases". I'll take that as a compliment. Thanks doc.

The stress of my life has increased but my blues seemed to have disappeared.  My new internal medicine doc had given me a script for an antidepressant but I never ended up taking it. Now I feel I don't need it.  Maybe I'm finding better ways to cope. Life as a Mom has certainly taught me to let go of the little things and this has helped me. Especially, since the kids I am Mom to have such bigger issues than my chronic illness. I can't really throw myself a pity party because my head hurts when my children have suffered years of trauma and abuse.

I'm going ot make an effort to get here and blog more often about me. Let me know if you are still out there reading. :) If you are I hope you are well.

Dizzy! My head is Spinning.

No really. For like 4 days. And continued even after I threw up from the worst migraine of my life.

So the neurologist ordered an MRI. Stable to improved. But when I met with Dr. G today her statement was: well is YOU so we need to check further. Thanks. So I am now scheduled for an MRA. Same machine so the claustrophobia will be fun.

Depending on the results and blood work she may want to repeat the spinal tap. she doesn't think this is the flue or an ear infection or plain old vertigo. Oh how lovely it would be to have a run of the mill diagnosis.

2 weeks

2 weeks to get the prior authorization on the happy pills. The weather has been so nice I'm feeling a little more like myself.  I'm wondering if perhaps I have some sort of seasonal depression. 

I recapped my illness this week for teh first time in a long time.  It was kind of amazing to hear myself say that I've learned to live with Neurosarcoid.  Maybe because I've come to appreciate the things in my life that grew out of me being sick.  Crazy, I know!

Happy Pills

In the craziness that is life with 4 children, a husband, a full time job and trying to conquer the world (or at least my corner of it) I began to feel out of sorts. Its not that I'm angry about anything in particular or sad for a specific reason but the stress of having life be so uncertain and up and down finally took it's toll on my brain chemistry. My anxiety level started to rise and then stay there. And I couldn't shake the emotions of feeling out of control and helpless. Frustrated at simple tasks.

The thing is I've been here before. And didn't realize it. For like 2 years.  I'm really good at keeping it together on the outside while I fall apart on the inside. And now I have other people counting on me to keep it together, period. I can't do that from the bottom of the pit that is depression. Its hard for a lot of people to discuss depression. Its taboo. It implies a weakness.  Its misunderstood. But its very much apart of our culture.  It runs in families. It comes with stress and illness. It can effect relationships. It can hinder you in every way. It can cause ailments and pain and it comes in all different sizes.  And I have enough to deal with - I don't need depression to come in and steal more.

So I made the decision to start an anti-depressant again.  I've been on it before and it worked for me previously.  The upside is that it may also help with my pain.  And I've left a message for my therapist to get on her schedule. New stresses mean a need for new coping skills and challenges to understand.

I'm feeling good.

Like most people I took the new year to set some new goals. One of them is becoming healthier and lighter. I jumped back on Weight Watchers and have been going at it for a solid month.

For the last ten years I have gained and lost the same 40 pounds. It makes me tired to think of the energy involved in gaining and shedding that much weight. Being on and off medications and my emotional connect to food have not helped.

I think I finally hit that place where I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm committed to doing something about it. Not because I have to for an event or trip but because I WANT to be healthy.

So here is the big Rhi-Storing announcement. I am going to shed 40 pounds by Memorial Day. Here is the best part: I've already lost 11!

We have a vacation planned to Disney World and I want to be able to look at our pictures and not feel terrible about who I see. I want to be able to walk all day without my body giving up on me. And I definitely want to be able to ride all the rides comfortably.

So I've started ordering Pea Pod grocery delivery to make better choices about what I'm buying. It also means I'm not tempted to throw stuff in the cart we don't need. I'm getting fresh lettuce and lean meats delivered weekly so I'm not throwing food out and we aren't eating out.

Even my kids have gotten bit by the be healthy bug requesting chicken fiesta salad for dinner tomorrow.

So 40 is my short term goal. My long term goal? 75 by September. Wish me dedication!

Do you have a New Years health goal? Leave in the comments so I can cheer you on!

Blues Setting In?

Its been rough around here.  Mainly because our life is crazy due to the foster care system.  I'm becoming increasing frustrated with the way the court system works and I find myself feeling like I'm not being heard. Like at all..EVER. I spent quite a bit of time in therapy trying to figure out how to get my voice heard and now I'm in a system where NO ONE has to listen.

I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well. I feel lonely. And even though I just want to crawl up in a ball I have to pull it together and  be the Mom.  I'm thinking about calling my therapist but she's the Volunteer of the Year at my kid's school. seriously she has a parking space and everything.I know that she would keep everything confidential but I'm just not sure how I feel about running into her outside the office.  Then agian the thought of explaining everything to someone new seems worse.

New Year, New stomach issues - may be TMI

Another first of the year Emergency Room visit and trip to the gastro doc.

So about two weeks ago I spent 6 hours in the emergency room. Within 30 minutes they had given me something for severe abdominal pain but then I spent the next 5 hours pukeing my guts out. Nothing came back in blood work and it was felt no surgery was needed since I have monappendix or gall bladder.

Then new years eve rolled around and during my brother's Anniversary/wedding party I started having the pain, experiencing nausea and dizziness and generally feeling crappy. I made it to 9:30 am and then decided to go back to the ER. My Mom was able to take the kids and I drove myself which was interesting. After 4 hours, bloodwork, an xray, and a CT scan and 7 trips to the bathroom due to the diarrhea I was experiencing (which why would you put me down the hall and around the corner from the bathroom I'm not sure. At least the nurse got smart and unhooked me from the machines) the doctor told me I was completely normal with no findings whatsoever. Umm sorry doc but grabbing pain every 5-10 minutes is not normal. And the shot you put in my arm that burnt like the fire I started in the microwave last week did squat to help. His answer- could be a virus. Here is some morphine for the pain. Hopefully it won't make you puke.

Ok I'm being snarky. He was very nice. But it was still frustrating. He even called two days later to check on me. And he did send me home with a script of pain med which I will squirrel away for bad head pain days.

So I called the GI doc who I now see more regularly than my OBGYN. She told me it was bowel spasms which can cause pain, nausea, diarrhea and come and go. Probiotics, fiber supplement, and the pill form of the fire shot I got at the hospital except alternate days as this will make you constipated.

6 days later my stomach is still jacked up but we'll get there. Cause of all this? Stress. Interestingly this pain seems to hav replaced the anxiety I've been feeling for the last month. Should make this year VERY interesting.