Still Sick

So I went for the results of my MRI. My lesion is still there. They hospital had the "head brain guy" as my doctor put it look at my scan because of course I have a very complex case. My neurologist told me that everyone who looks at my scan has a different opinion. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm glad that she takes it to others for opinions but it's a little scary that no one doctor sees my case the same way. I'm not sure how effect all the treatment was as it appears my findings were "stable". So did I just find a way to deal with the pain? Did I just get used to this new normal?

My doctor spent a lot of time talking to me about my new life as a foster Mom to 4 kids. She said I Seemed lime I was in a much better place. I remember the first visit I had after my spinal tap I just sobbed in her office because I was so scared. Scared that all of my dreams and plans were going to disappear. Scared I would never feel better. Scared that I would be blind or paralized. Declining prescription pain releivers for fear of becoming dependent on them.

She said to me that she wished more patients would handle sickness like me. That I'm one of the few headache patients with an abnormal MRI and despite that I'm living a full life. My response is simple now. Once I got past the depression I was lead down this path to a place where I get the privilege of loving these amazing kids and making a difference in their lives. Simply because I got sick.

We had a holiday party for work on Friday. I actually put my contacts in and makeup on. (My eyes don't do well this time of year anymore.) and a coworker said it was unnerving for him to see me without my glasses! How odd I thought before all of this it would have been the opposite statement about seeing me in glasses. That's ok. I'm fine being the Mom with glasses. Two years ago I wasn't sure I would live past now.

Oh how I HATE the Rhi-minder

I had my way overdue MRI today. And man does it make me crabby to be reminded I have a disease that can't be cured. Sure I'm living with it now instead of suffering from it but it was so nice to shut it out and not think about doctors appointments or insurance Pre-certs. It's been easier to forget that I'm sick since I no longer work for a doctors office.

As I walked into the medical center today I had a lot weighing on my mind. The tiny tube I was going to be pushed into. The upcoming anniversary of my grandmas passing. How my kids were doing. And I was so amped up and the anti anxiety medication was doing nothing. The tech didn make me gown up. I got to keep my jeans and sweater, socks and shoes on. The plugged my iPhone into the headset and started to slide me back into position. At which point I freaked out a bit. It took me three tries to get all the way into position. And the tech talked to me after each test. And I seemed to be ok.

After the test was done (random though: hey this pulsing ofthe magnet would be a great dance beat) I got up And felt incredibly sad. I should have felt fantastic after the drugs but I felt worry and sadness. On my way back to my car I saw the signs for the chapel so I walked that direction. When I opened the doors to the space I felt quiet. I sat down and began to pray and offer up my burdens. I'm not sure when the tears began but they steadily rolled down my face. And then I felt relief. Admitting that I'm feeling overwhelmed and sad was so healing. I walked out 50 pounds lighter.

And now the drowsey has kicked in. Goodnight my blight friends.

As Time Goes On

My husband and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary this weekend. I can't believe how much time in our lives has passed by. We've endured the proverbial sickness and health. For richer and poorer and have accepted children lovingly from God. (Well kind of...I feel God called us to be their parents at least for now.) My phrase of the week in my planner said there are years in which you teach and years in which you learn. This is a learning year. I've learned how much I love my husband. I've learned how much he supports me and I support him. We've learned how to be a great team. This is certainly not how I pictured year 5 when I walked down the aisle. But I wouldn't change who I have by my side.

Do I wish illness hadn't come in and robbed me of tons of time? Sure. But I'm also grateful as I am a better me. That's right BETTER. I'm more empathetic and understanding. I have became part of an interesting family. I have met some wonderful people and helped raise money for a cure. I have worked hard in therapy to understand who I want to be and how to get it. I have repaired relationships and I have become prepared to parent 4 very special children. I don't know what year 5 would have looked like if none of this happened but I refuse to play the what if game. It is what it is. And it's pretty good right now.

Trauma

In the past seven months I've learned a ton about trauma. I'm parenting 4 kids 3 of which have a severe trauma history. (Think every kind of abuse.) I've watched first hand as behaviors came out of no where in conjunction with trauma anniversaries but it wasn't until today that I became aware that I'm going through my own.

I've had this sense of sadness lately. Turning 30 was hard for me without my Grandma. Very clearly I recall her voicemail to me last year. "I'll owe you one." I never got that chance. When I was a little girl and my Great Grandma passed I always struggled with her passing around my birthday. She always remembered my birthday despite the 28 grandchildren and 4 other Great Granchdren she had.

My grandma was sick this time last year. She was going through chemotherapy. She wasn't eating. She had wasted away in her body. And in total ignorance of what would happen I carried on with my life. Completing the foster parenting classes and trying to finish climbing out of the deep hole depression had pushed me in. The doctors had told us she was going to get through the treatment. And then the day before Thanksgiving she passed. One week after her surgery.

We are quickly heading towards these holidays that mean so much to us and while we have already had our first Thanksgiving without her I somehow feel this will be harder. Also hard will be this weekend. We have to go to her antique booth to browse before my Grandfather closes it down. So much of her went into her antique business. Her handwriting is on ever price tag. Amounts of how much she paid neatly kept in her books. I don't want to see it gone because it's another tangible reminded that she isn't here. And my trauma of pain and loss kick right back in.

Community

Last weekend we had the opportunity to volunteer our time to a GE BEE Healthy event that my husband was running in conjunction with Youth Outreach Services of Cicero. For those of you who don't know anything about Cicero other than its talked about in the musical Chicago, its a pretty beat up city very close to Chicago.

This group works with troubled kids and other groups to keep children off the street and to become productive human beings. There were about 100 kids at this event working hard to exrecise in order to win new backpacks filled with school supplies and a Wii. The group was 99% hispanic kids and I watched with pride as my foster daughters spoke in their native language to people they could identify with.

And we were there as a family. Pitching in. Making people's day better. Even the little guy got in on helping out. I had the opportunity to gift a young Mom with school supplies for her twin daughters who were starting school Monday and had nothing in the way of school supplies. Something I take for granted as I'm a post it note and sharpie junkie. We also met a young man working very hard to stay on teh straight and narrow and so we offered to sponser his books for his first semester of college.

I was reminded how much I enjoy volunteering. Though I've felt that I haven't been able to do it as much. I realized its a good lesson for these kids and a good reminder to myself that the more we give the more you get back. After all we've been through in the last few years this day was a good example of creating our lives to be how we want them. Giving. Cheerful. Fun. Filled with love and family.

I've been a bad blogger...

My intention for this blog was to discuss the challenges of being ill and trying to live life. I haven't written here in a while because I have focused my life on a totally separate topic and thankfully the illness hasn't made foster parenting more challenging than it already is. I get head pain on some days but the acupuncture takes care of that for the most part. I'm tired a lot but that's more from all that I'm doing and my inability to go to bed earlier. My immune system still feels shot but that could be that I have 4 germmy kids touching me ALL the time.

I have still not gotten my MRI or made any of my doctors appointments. I'm a bad patient. I have been feeling blue lately and I think it's mainly this unknown stuff regarding the kids. Are they healing? How long will they be with us? Is them going home the right thing? What happens if I never have children to call my own? Well this and trying to stay organized. I have never seen so much paper or had so many aces to be. EVER.

So that's an update on me. I'll try and come up with some good blog topics. Maybe I'll stray from illness and just talk about life. Anything you readers want to know about me or foster parenting or sarcoidosis?0

Your Disease Called

And it wants the focus back. This week we've had some crazy storms and that meant that my head was hurting. And I caught part of the stomach bug floating around they office which meant I called in sick Tuesday. Oh and I got my period so I pretty much hit the trifecta of feeling lousey. Really I just need to go see Dr. A but I need to find the time to get to his office without kids.

I was feeling kind of bad about my health today and I really need to get back to exercising since that will help with the tension I now carry for having a new job and for kids to be responsible for. I love my new job though! And I'm excited to finally be doing something I really love.

As my big birthday (30) looms near I've been thinking a lot about how I want to mark the occasion and I think I've finally decided to go for the tatoo on my foot. Sarcoidosis is a consideration as sometimes people with the disease don't heal as quickly and they scar. I'll have to see. I want a small tatoo in black on my foot with the lyrics to the song I'm named after. The last line: loves a state of mind. Which is significant with all I've over come and worked through and even now as a foster parent. Which is often challenging and thankless.

Any Sarcies out there had issues with tattoos?

Tough Cookie

As I type this I'm sitting with the kids and the hubby watching America's Got Talent. We needed this night to just chill because we have been in constant motion for the last 2 months. I caanot believe that we are coming up to the 6 month mark on children being in our house. When I stop to think about where I was a year ago with my illness, with my career, with my family I almost can't believe that I am here. In this life, with these people. I always thought getting sick would be the hardest year of my life, but I have to say that as tough and challenging as it was this year has been by far the HARDEST.

I have experience all new levels of pain. Losing my Grandma has been unbelievably tough and the greif still catches me off guard. Taking in these children and learning about the AWFUL, AWFUL abuses that they have suffered at the hands of others has made me physically ill. And the fear that one day someone is going to tell me I can never see them agian has gripped me and not let go.

But in this pain there has been joy. So much joy that I wasn't expecting that it makes me feel almost as if its not real. It is because of this joy and laughter that I feel I've been able to cope with the tough stuff.

BUSY

I have not blogged in a while simply because life has been CRAZY! We have all four siblings living with us, I started a new job, and we are leaving in 2 days for Walt Disney World. Life sped up into overdrive and I haven't looked back. And while all of this happened within the last month it feels like this is where we have been forever. We are busy every day and every weekend and it will be really nice to have a week with no appointments and just good quality family time.

I guess the best news is aside from a migraine here and there I've been feeling pretty good. I'm tired but I think that has more to do with having 4 kids that I am responsible for than Neurosarcoidosis. I've cut down on the accupuncture some mainly because I feel pretty good. And that makes me marvel at how far I've come in my progress as a patient.

I have a facebook friend from high school going through the process of trying to find out what is causing her pain. She's treid lots of things and had many tests and this past week underwent a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) this week. And I was able to pass along my advice! Which made me feel good. I hope that her procedure was a little easier and I pray that the doctors find her a diagnosis and some relief.

Pray

I read on facebook tonight that my Confirmation teach passed away this weekend after a long battle with cancer. She was the kind of person that remained always positive even in the face of pain and illness. She taught me to see the good in others and to be tolerant of different view points. She also taught me that seeing a rainbow was prayer enough as long as you were thanking God for the beauty and wonder of it. She was a big reason I worked with the teenagers at church and taught confirmation. She believed in shring what was in your heart and passing it forward. I never knew anyone else that would take on the challenge of a bunch of Youth Ministry kids, a developmentally challenged teen, and a non-believer all in one class.

I've been struggling lately trying to find my place in teh world agian. With all of the changes in my life I'm feeling very unbalanced and as I'm teetering on the edge of some other life changes I feel like I should reach for my faith but I'm not sure how steady it is right now.

I'm fairly angry at God at the moment and I don't really feel like talking to him. Which I of course know is the wrong way to go about it but thats where I am at. I feel like too much was taken this time around and I am having trouble trusting this plan he has for me.

So tonight as I am restless and awake I am saying a pray to find whatever it is that will settle my soul agian. And while I pray for that I pray also for all those who have lost their battles with illness. I pray for all those patients who are just begining and I pray for those like me who are on the front lines trying to come up with a new attack plan for life.

Vacation

I've decided that my new idea of a dream vacation would be a giganitic bed with light tight blinds soothing music Eucalyptus aromatherapy candles burning and big fluffy robe to sleep in. This would be followed by a deep tissue massage and then a pedicure where I will sip blue cocktails with fun umbrellas and fruit in them.

Closer to my reality is the quick dry silver polish and my scented body wash.

But we are going to Disney World in May. And I finally convinced my husband that with our two kids we need to fly vs drive. So at least its a fun break from our lives although I'm not sure how relaxing it will be.

Disney is not a "vacation" in which people meander and rest. It is an all out 7 day marathon of fun. So how does someone like me 1)survive 2)keep up 3)enjoy doing steps 1 & 2.

I think the first thing that I do is PLAN. Lucky for me when we do Disney we go with my husband's family and they are not planners and take little issue with my NEED to plan. Of course I did get some resistence to an actual schedule and touring plan to ride teh attractions on vacation but when they realized that it was quicker and nearly ommitted waiting in line everyone got on board and let me lead.

I research the weather, the activities, the places to rest. We make time for breaks and do things that we really enjoy. When I need a break I say so. And if no one wants to go with me I'm happy to go it alone. Our last trip as a family everyone wanted to go shopping. I was beat. So I offered to stay back with the kids who want to swim and hung out near the pool. It was a win win. In Vegas my feet were so swollen I couldn't walk. I cabbed it back to the room and watched Law and Order until I fell asleep (Which for me was fun I LOVE Law and Order.)

I also make sure I carry certain medications with me at ALL times. For me this is my antianxiety medication, pepermint oil, eye drops, and tylenol. As well as foot care for blisters. One of the symptoms I have from my Sarcoid is panic attacks which tend to hit me in very crowded places or air planes (and I'm not afraid of flying and used to travel for work). Pepermint oil is great for headaches but also helps cool you down if you are overheated. We also make sure to drink enough water and snack throughout the day.

And with everything else I just push through. The last few trips I've gotten sick on the way there or on the way home with nasty colds. So I also bring cold medication with us and everyone gets an antibacterial gel for their pocket :)

Answer

So Flavia asked, "What Meds are you on now and what alternatives do you use for your headaches."

Its funny you ask that as today will be the first day in a long time I take all my meds. I had stopped them because I was having a bleeding issue and now thats under control.

I take Medrol (a steroid cousin of Prednisone)6mg/day. 12mg of methotrexate weekly (Tuesdays), Protonix 40 mg (for the acid reflux from the steroids), and 1 mg folic acid daily.

When I first started with the neurologist I was taking 6 medications - they basically threw everything they could at me, antiseizure, antidepressants, muscle relaxers, antianxiety, antimigraine. At one point the neurologist looked at me and said she wasn't sure how I was upright as most people who be zombies with all that medication. I've learned to give the meds a chance to work (at least 6-10 weeks) and then work with my docs on adjusting.

Out of all those medications I've kept the antianxiety and muscle relaxers to help with pain at times. They both help me get comfortable to sleep. Also since my lesion is on a nerve sometimes when the nerve is very aggrivated these meds help relax my body to lesson the pain. I also use acupuncture weekly to get rid of the pain as well as nausea from the methotrexate.

I also use peppermint oil (found at any new age store or spa store) and rub a few drops right on my head where it hurts. A cold wash cloth and dark room also help and I routinely will sleep with one tied to my head that also had peppermint oil.

My last resort is a pain pill. Norco seems to work best. But I do this maybe every 3 months when I'm really desperate.

This week has been a little worse pain wise. I notice that my sleep affects my pain and when I’m in more pain I don’t sleep as well. This week was one of those weeks. I’m not sure if its the wacky weather we have had here in Chicago or if it’s the 2 children I now have in my life or my husbands crazy work hours but this week my head hurts. And even though acupuncture helped a lot yesterday and alleviated the pain - around 11 PM last night it came back. Monday it hurt so bad on the opposite side of the lesion (so it must have been a migraine) I took one of my last few prescription pain meds.

I’ve written before about how I’ve avoided obtaining a script from the Neurologist because I prefer to keep my liver as healthy as possible but this week I thought about calling and asking for a refill. But then I’d have to explain my non-compliance with my other medication and I just don’t want to be a bad patient. Because really if I were taking the other medications there is a chance my head wouldn’t hurt. (See the cyclic thinking going on here?) And why haven’t I taken the others? Because I’m not yet ready for the side effects. And I dealt with this pain for nearly 2 years what’s another week? Any anyways it might just be my lack of sleep and my neck hurting which has nothing to do with the neurosarcoid. I think. I’m pretty sure. But really I’m too tired to care today.

And since I feel bad that this is kind of a downer of a post I have lost another pound which is 1 per week at least since the kids have been here. :)


Next week I'd like to do a Question roundtable. So send me your questions that you have for me - about whatever....

Today sadness crept in and settled right back on my heart. My co-worker’s father passed over the weekend after a brief battle with pancreatic cancer. I walked into the office this morning and quietly went to my desk as I watched her and my Mom hug. It was a hug of understanding the same as the other person. In this case the loss of a parent. I wanted to give them the privacy they needed. I also couldn’t watch.

I have my moments of sadness and tears alone, usually on the way home from work when I have 30 minutes to myself in the car. This was the case yesterday after I called my Grandpa to wish him a Happy Valentine’s Day. So sad for him that his love of 53 years was not there. Trying to remember if last year I called my Grandma. Missing her immensely as she would have loved having the kids around. But as I picture this I picture her before she got sick when she looked like herself.

Then shortly after I got to my desk and settled in I found out my favorite patient had passed. He was battling bladder cancer and over the past year I’ve watched as he had his bladder removed and struggled with chemo and pain. He was a sweet man who was always nice to the staff. He always had a few minutes of his time that turned out to be so limited. During one particularly good week he came in all smiles with a bottle of wine for me. It brought tears to my eyes. Here was this incredibly sick man who somehow had the time to not only think of me but go out of his way to let me know that he appreciated me. Perhaps part of me hoped he would make it through what my Grandma couldn’t. That perhaps cancer wouldn’t rob another family of their grandparent too soon. But it did. And I sat at my desk and cried.

KISSING Contest

Did you miss attending the 2011 KISS event in Chicago?

Would you like to donate in a fun way to the only private foundation helping find a cure for this disease?

Then go here to buy a Virtual Kiss for $25. What a great way to support the cause in honor of Valentines Day. You can make a dedication, leave it anonymously, or write a sweet note. The goal is to sell $200 of these on-line to raise another $5000 for research and patient programs.

Or alternately go to my Mary Kay website and purchase a any lip product and I will donate 100% the profits to the Foundation for Sarcoidosis Research. Just put Kiss in the customer comments section.

Every dollar counts!

"Mommy what happened to you head?"

This week is Sarcoidosis awareness week which was kicked off this past Saturday at the 11th annual K.I.S.S. (Kick in to Stop Sarcoidosis) event thrown by the Foundation for Sarcoidosis Research. Its always a fun time with great music, plenty of top shelf liquor (Grey Goose is usually a sponser) and fun activities like a silent auction, wine roulette, and photo booth. One of the most fun activities is the Kissino where attendees buy chips and play blackjack and craps in order to cash them in for raffle prizes. This year we even had a all female KISS cover band called Slutter (costumes and everything). The people watching is always fun too as you have people from all walks of life attending the event.

Herbie and I have been going almost every year for the past 7 years. Dealing blackjack and helping with the silent auctions and raffles. We were able to help raise an additional $600 by donating a weekend at our timeshare which was kind of exciting for us. This year however was the first year that we had to find a babysitter.

Saturday I had gone to get my hair cut and colored because at 29 the hair that I have that is changing colors is not just gray but stark white and I was starting to blind myself. My son had not seen me prior to me descending the stairs in my party dress, full make-up (he hadn't seen me in any. Ever.) and my new do. As I picked him up to say goodbye he looked into my eyes and said, "Mommy? What happened to you head?" as he patted my hair.

Oh sweetheart you have no idea how loaded that question is! Or how many times I knew I would be explaining it that night. Of course I told him I got my hair cut and he seemed to accept this answer as he wiggled down to go play. But for the adults that asked why I was a volunteer at the event (and in away asked me what happened to my head) my answer was a little longer but probably just as simple. I volunteer because something happened to my head (and lungs)and this foundation is the only one that had information to help me. And my time pails in comparison to the generosity of the people who support the foundation and support the goal to find a cure (and a cause) for this disease. This wretched, dibilitating disease that makes people become candidates for lung transplants and pace makers, and robs them of their abilities and their lives. So I do what I can so that perhaps I will not be listed amongst those from whom so much has been stolen.

While Sarcoidosis has been a royal pain to have, I do need to also recognize that it has given me much. For example the moment with my son. And while he may not be my son beyond this year he is a light in my life. As is his sister. Neither of them would be in our lives if Sarcoidosis hadn't shown up too because we probably would not have traveled down this path of foster parenthood.

10 Hail Marys

So I have a confession to make. I've been writing 2 blogs. This one - about my journey to health and another about my journey to motherhood. But as my life has drastically changed in the last two weeks I felt it was time to come clean to whomever stumbles across this blog as I haven't been writing here as much. I was feeling guilty.

I'm still struggling with the decision to share this other blog with those who read Rhi-Storing as a lot of what I will write about is confidential and I write it anonymously. This blog is not. The reason the other one is anonymous and confidential is that my husband and I have decided to pursue adoption through foster care. It was a big decision and one 6 months in the making from inquiring to actual placement.

Since now we have 2 children in our lives I'm sure they will find their way here. Especially since I'm getting over an awful cold - which I blame on the fact that my immune system walked into an elementary school LOL!

I haven't had as much time to write and ponder as for the last 2 weeks I've been trying to settle in a 7 year old girl and 3 1/2 year old boy into our previously childless home. they are really awesome kids and I'm loving every minute of my crash course in motherhood.

An Education

Yesterday was my first acupuncture appointment since November 24th. Not because I didn't want to go I just couldn't seem to fit it in. One thing that people don't realize is its HARD to be chronically sick. On top of not feeling well and sometimes feeling so badly you can barely function you have to deal with the doctors appointments and bills and insurance associated with those appointments. When I got sick I didn't just gain an illness I was forced to also get an education.

I work in a medical office specifically handling insurance and even I have moments where I get confused. I had to call my insurance carrier yesterday for a few reasons 1) to notify them I was going to have acupuncture this year 2) resolve an EOB (explination of benefit) that they paid the doctor incorrectly 3) get them to have a previous provider that they paid take me out of collections because somehow they didn't recieve the check for $2.94.

I started with the incorrect payment. We hit our deductible last year on January 3rd. (ER visit) We hit our out of pocket max in March. So everything since has been paid at 100%. So I talk to customer care. I spend 15 minutes on the phone while she verifies what I'm saying. Then she transfers me to a "Rapid Resolution Specialist" who then reads me the notes which of course are wrong. It said that I had an issue with teh payment because my deductible was met. No I had an issue with the payment because my out of pocket was met. And I wonder what happens when people who don't know or understand the difference call. No wonder people are mystified by their insurance. No wonder I explain to at least 2 people daily how their insurance works. So the RRS puts me on hold for 5-7 minutes and comes back 10 minutes later to tell me she agrees with me. Repeat this scenario for the collections issue. Then I call back to get the notification line. Who try to tell me I have to complete another process called a GAP exception. Which I don't because my doctor is willing to accept what they pay him out of network. (That is when they pay him because my claims have been held up in Medical Review for the last 4 months.)

And all this just to GO to the appointment. For a while there I was seeing up to 3 doctors a week. All specialists. Do you know anything about specialists? I do because I work for one. Your appointment time isn't EVER going to be your appointment time. They do surgery they get called by the hospital, they have to give patients results, they see elderly patients who want to discuss their 80 years of medical issues in a 15 minute time slot. And they are going to take their time with the patients who need it - and trust me you want to be afforded the same courtesy. You could spend HOURS waiting to be seen for 5 minutes.

My personal take is to chill. I bring a book. I relish the various magazine options. I people watch. I gauge how I compare to the other patients. And I try to stay plesant with the staff because as someone who has sat at the Front Desk - they have no control over the pace of the appointments. I read the informational posters to bone up on the medical terminology I may need while in this office. Its hard for to say how much I've learned from being a patient vs working in the medical field but I do know that my personal experiences have helped my patients. I know pretty much what every medical imaging test is like because I've had them. So when patients strat to freak out because we've ordered a CT scan I can explain its not the same as an MRI.

I also have become very open since I've gained all this knowledge. Open to different kinds of treatment. Trusting in my doctors. Researching information so that I can understand it. Open to forgiving the insurance companies their mistakes. Because at the end of the day I'm going to still have to deal with them and its just easier if I'm not angry at all aspects of the illness.

So after my particularly challenging day. In a very challenging week* I walked over to my acupuncture office and waited patiently for Dr. A to be ready for me. And he took me back to the treatment room and stuck me with 14 needles (twice as many as normal) and I laid there for an hour in total bliss. Then he cracked my neck and I was a totally new woman...ready to come in to work today with a new patience for illness.

*My Grandmother's brother passed away on Saturday. We will be driving to Iowa tomorrow to honor his memory. Tomorrow is my Grandmother's birthday. Yesterday was also the anniversary of my Dad's father's passing. And the grief just seems so overwhelming at times.

Resolve

I've put so much stress on myself and the worry and anxiety have taken it toll on my body. I'm feeling those same emotions starting to bubble to the surface again and I want to address it before it takes over. So this year as I head into *ahem* my thirties I'm trying to reverse some of the damage that I've done.

1) In a major shocker my fitness level and weight are at the top of that list. So I'm hitting the gym with new knowledge and vigor. If only I could figure out my heart rate monitor I'd be all set. i've recommitted to Weight Watchers and their new plan which means fruit is Zero points and this makes me happy. Herbie and I are now tracking on the calendar in our kitchen the days we bring healthy lunches to work, cook dinner at home and hot the gym. So far I have more stickers :).

2) Get Organized. This is a sorce of some major stress in our lives. We have no routine. We have no schedule for our weekends. We have too much stuff and not enough places to put it and despite taking 4 contractor bag sizes of stuff to Goodwill I feel we could probably purge more. So each Saturday I plan on tackling a closet, cabinet, or drawer and I figure within the next 3 months the house will all be organized. (Seriously thats how little storage space we have.)

3) Take time for myself. I never do this. I'm always doing something for the household or work or with my family. And if I'm watching tv I'm feeling guilty that I'm not doing housework. So I'm allowing myself to take time for me doing things I love. Because if its one thing I've learned in the last 6 months its that life is short and you don't have an infinate amount of time to do the things you love. So I asked for Kindle for Christmas and I LOVE IT! I've read like 6 books. I asked for scrapbooking supplies and I've been allowing myself time to scrap. Because really what good are pictures if they never come off a computer? And who cares if you took them if they never come out of the shoe box they are stored in? Now I just need a place to put the scrapbooks so people can look at them.

For Carolyn

It took me a while to place these words here. They were spoken on a snowy December morning in the same church were the picture below was taken. She loved Christmas time and as my husband pointed out it somehow seemed fitting that the snow fell silently as we stood together as a family saying our final goodbyes.

As I post this the snow has melted due to a very warm New Years Eve. I can't help but see the beauty in that - a fresh start, the sad day gone away. The sticky mud left for us to deal with. Regaining our footing on this new ground. Wishing for even nicer weather and a time where we can know what to expect outside. A time when things like singing Happy Birthday and count downs to midnight don't cause tears. So on this 2nd day of 2011 I share with you my heart in hopes that I can get to a place beyond loss. A place were I can remember smiles and laughter and know that one day we will be together again.

Good afternoon. On behalf of the Malsam Family I would like to thank all of you for being with us today to share in the celebration of Carolyn Ann Malsam’s life. As I look out and see this church full of friends and family I know my Grandma would be truly touched.

A few minutes is certainly not enough time to share with you, all of the wonderful things those who knew Carolyn felt about her. And if you are here today I’m sure you’ve experienced first hand her kindness, sincerity, generosity or her ability to make everyone feel included and welcome. She had a gift when it came to making people feel special and I know that Bob, Joe, and Will felt more like sons than son-in laws and that Herbie and Liza were not the spouses of Grandchildren but rather Grandchildren numbers six and seven.

Carolyn had many gifts, among them courage and tenacity. I don’t believe there was anything she ever tried in which she didn’t succeed. She ran a clothing store and became a dental assistant and after she retired decided to become an antique dealer. You have not seen determation unless you’ve seen Carolyn at an auction trying to buy what she wanted. She would set her jaw, look only at the auctioneer and bid until she hit the limit she had set for herself or the other person backed down from intimidation WHICH was fairly often. Then she would take these filthy, worn and broken pieces home and turn them into beautiful treasures. In reality she was an artist as well.

She was the apple of her father’s eye. She was also a Big Sister to Marilyn, Joann, Judy, Larry, Ricky, Robby, David, Joey and Mary Jo. She loved to tell us stories about growing up in Des Moines with her siblings and it was important to her that her children and grandchildren know the Barsetti Family as well. They are a fun loving bunch just like their sister with laughs that are similar and contagious. And Carolyn cherished those times when the family would gather together and she would be so pleased to see all the little ones continuing the family legacy.

But Grandma was the heart of the Malsam Family. And every day she exemplified what it was to love others. For 53 years she was married to her best friend, George Malsam. Not many people marry someone they meet in kindergarten but my Grandparents don’t fall into the category of most people. They had a love that was strong and giving and radiated to those around them. You would often see my Grandpa stealing kisses from his Honey Bunch. And after all these years they were young people in love who would hold hands and giggle. The sight of them dancing together could take your breath away. The amount of respect and trust that they had in one another was apparent even after spending just a few minutes with them. Carolyn was his pearl. Radiant and delicate. Someone to treasure. A rare find for most – God’s plan for him.

Together they raised three really amazing individuals who each took after their Mother in their own ways. My Mom, Kathleen got Grandma’s sense of style and knack for decorating as well as her love of hunting down bargains. Uncle George inherited Grandma’s generosity and sense of hospitality as well as her culinary skills. Aunt Suzanne shares her creativity, her love of nature and the outdoors and her ability to bake.

Us grandchildren were fortunate to receive many of her talents and traits. Emily has her sense of adventure and kindness. Tyler has her ability to make friends everywhere he goes and her smile. Brian has Grandma’s sense of loyalty and her giving spirit. Justin received her organizational skills as well as her love of cooking. I learned her thoughtfulness and have her eyes and her faith. But the one thing we can all say about Grandma was that she loved us regardless of our missteps or mistakes. She was proud of her family and I know we will strive to continue making her proud.

Carolyn never passed up an opportunity to make an everyday moment into a memory or a life lesson and I know our family will find comfort in those remembrances. While her passing is a loss for our family she would want us to look at it as a blessing as she will now be able to watch over us at all times. With her bright smile and twinkling eyes she will be there and we will carry her in our hearts and honor her with our love for one another.