Declined

I had a few interesting health related appointments in the past few weeks. The first was with my Primary Care Pysician who I haven't seen since all of my health issues began a year ago. This visit was kind of a bench mark for me. It gave me the opportunity to look back at where I was a year ago and take stock of where I've gone on this journey. I had hoped that this would be a positive kind of thing full of hope and answers but disease doesn't work that way. The second was giving my health information for life insurance purposes which highlighted my unique situation and left me wondering - what chances will the mathematicians and underwriters give me to survive.

Last April I was blissfully ignorant that there was a Sarcoidosis brain lesion pressing on my Trigeminal Nerve. I had yet to watch a monitor while a needle went into my spinal column or be told that I was a "slow drip". I hadn't had my first panic attack yet or any of the six MRI's that were to come. I had no idea that shortly medication would turn me into a basketcase and I would become uncognizable to myself and those around me. And perhaps the most sad: that a year later I would still struggle with those feelings and loose people I loved in the process.

Thats the part of the process I wasn't barganing for - time. That it might take time for me to get well or get to a place where I feel well because the two may not be the same. And so maybe this is an exercise in patience and stamina. To remind me that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Or maybe to teach me I do have some will power - A will to continue on and try and find any way to get better. If you had told me last April I would have seen a doctor in Baltimore or a chiropractor or a holistic practitioner I may have told you you were the basket case!

And the insurance people - they declined me. But not for sarcoidosis of the brain just for having sarcoidosis in general. I lost that application six years ago at my initial diagnosis. Its their loss. Because I've been assured by several specialists and physicians that this disease is not going to kill me...and that can only make me stronger.