Still Sick

So I went for the results of my MRI. My lesion is still there. They hospital had the "head brain guy" as my doctor put it look at my scan because of course I have a very complex case. My neurologist told me that everyone who looks at my scan has a different opinion. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm glad that she takes it to others for opinions but it's a little scary that no one doctor sees my case the same way. I'm not sure how effect all the treatment was as it appears my findings were "stable". So did I just find a way to deal with the pain? Did I just get used to this new normal?

My doctor spent a lot of time talking to me about my new life as a foster Mom to 4 kids. She said I Seemed lime I was in a much better place. I remember the first visit I had after my spinal tap I just sobbed in her office because I was so scared. Scared that all of my dreams and plans were going to disappear. Scared I would never feel better. Scared that I would be blind or paralized. Declining prescription pain releivers for fear of becoming dependent on them.

She said to me that she wished more patients would handle sickness like me. That I'm one of the few headache patients with an abnormal MRI and despite that I'm living a full life. My response is simple now. Once I got past the depression I was lead down this path to a place where I get the privilege of loving these amazing kids and making a difference in their lives. Simply because I got sick.

We had a holiday party for work on Friday. I actually put my contacts in and makeup on. (My eyes don't do well this time of year anymore.) and a coworker said it was unnerving for him to see me without my glasses! How odd I thought before all of this it would have been the opposite statement about seeing me in glasses. That's ok. I'm fine being the Mom with glasses. Two years ago I wasn't sure I would live past now.

Oh how I HATE the Rhi-minder

I had my way overdue MRI today. And man does it make me crabby to be reminded I have a disease that can't be cured. Sure I'm living with it now instead of suffering from it but it was so nice to shut it out and not think about doctors appointments or insurance Pre-certs. It's been easier to forget that I'm sick since I no longer work for a doctors office.

As I walked into the medical center today I had a lot weighing on my mind. The tiny tube I was going to be pushed into. The upcoming anniversary of my grandmas passing. How my kids were doing. And I was so amped up and the anti anxiety medication was doing nothing. The tech didn make me gown up. I got to keep my jeans and sweater, socks and shoes on. The plugged my iPhone into the headset and started to slide me back into position. At which point I freaked out a bit. It took me three tries to get all the way into position. And the tech talked to me after each test. And I seemed to be ok.

After the test was done (random though: hey this pulsing ofthe magnet would be a great dance beat) I got up And felt incredibly sad. I should have felt fantastic after the drugs but I felt worry and sadness. On my way back to my car I saw the signs for the chapel so I walked that direction. When I opened the doors to the space I felt quiet. I sat down and began to pray and offer up my burdens. I'm not sure when the tears began but they steadily rolled down my face. And then I felt relief. Admitting that I'm feeling overwhelmed and sad was so healing. I walked out 50 pounds lighter.

And now the drowsey has kicked in. Goodnight my blight friends.

As Time Goes On

My husband and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary this weekend. I can't believe how much time in our lives has passed by. We've endured the proverbial sickness and health. For richer and poorer and have accepted children lovingly from God. (Well kind of...I feel God called us to be their parents at least for now.) My phrase of the week in my planner said there are years in which you teach and years in which you learn. This is a learning year. I've learned how much I love my husband. I've learned how much he supports me and I support him. We've learned how to be a great team. This is certainly not how I pictured year 5 when I walked down the aisle. But I wouldn't change who I have by my side.

Do I wish illness hadn't come in and robbed me of tons of time? Sure. But I'm also grateful as I am a better me. That's right BETTER. I'm more empathetic and understanding. I have became part of an interesting family. I have met some wonderful people and helped raise money for a cure. I have worked hard in therapy to understand who I want to be and how to get it. I have repaired relationships and I have become prepared to parent 4 very special children. I don't know what year 5 would have looked like if none of this happened but I refuse to play the what if game. It is what it is. And it's pretty good right now.

Trauma

In the past seven months I've learned a ton about trauma. I'm parenting 4 kids 3 of which have a severe trauma history. (Think every kind of abuse.) I've watched first hand as behaviors came out of no where in conjunction with trauma anniversaries but it wasn't until today that I became aware that I'm going through my own.

I've had this sense of sadness lately. Turning 30 was hard for me without my Grandma. Very clearly I recall her voicemail to me last year. "I'll owe you one." I never got that chance. When I was a little girl and my Great Grandma passed I always struggled with her passing around my birthday. She always remembered my birthday despite the 28 grandchildren and 4 other Great Granchdren she had.

My grandma was sick this time last year. She was going through chemotherapy. She wasn't eating. She had wasted away in her body. And in total ignorance of what would happen I carried on with my life. Completing the foster parenting classes and trying to finish climbing out of the deep hole depression had pushed me in. The doctors had told us she was going to get through the treatment. And then the day before Thanksgiving she passed. One week after her surgery.

We are quickly heading towards these holidays that mean so much to us and while we have already had our first Thanksgiving without her I somehow feel this will be harder. Also hard will be this weekend. We have to go to her antique booth to browse before my Grandfather closes it down. So much of her went into her antique business. Her handwriting is on ever price tag. Amounts of how much she paid neatly kept in her books. I don't want to see it gone because it's another tangible reminded that she isn't here. And my trauma of pain and loss kick right back in.

Community

Last weekend we had the opportunity to volunteer our time to a GE BEE Healthy event that my husband was running in conjunction with Youth Outreach Services of Cicero. For those of you who don't know anything about Cicero other than its talked about in the musical Chicago, its a pretty beat up city very close to Chicago.

This group works with troubled kids and other groups to keep children off the street and to become productive human beings. There were about 100 kids at this event working hard to exrecise in order to win new backpacks filled with school supplies and a Wii. The group was 99% hispanic kids and I watched with pride as my foster daughters spoke in their native language to people they could identify with.

And we were there as a family. Pitching in. Making people's day better. Even the little guy got in on helping out. I had the opportunity to gift a young Mom with school supplies for her twin daughters who were starting school Monday and had nothing in the way of school supplies. Something I take for granted as I'm a post it note and sharpie junkie. We also met a young man working very hard to stay on teh straight and narrow and so we offered to sponser his books for his first semester of college.

I was reminded how much I enjoy volunteering. Though I've felt that I haven't been able to do it as much. I realized its a good lesson for these kids and a good reminder to myself that the more we give the more you get back. After all we've been through in the last few years this day was a good example of creating our lives to be how we want them. Giving. Cheerful. Fun. Filled with love and family.

I've been a bad blogger...

My intention for this blog was to discuss the challenges of being ill and trying to live life. I haven't written here in a while because I have focused my life on a totally separate topic and thankfully the illness hasn't made foster parenting more challenging than it already is. I get head pain on some days but the acupuncture takes care of that for the most part. I'm tired a lot but that's more from all that I'm doing and my inability to go to bed earlier. My immune system still feels shot but that could be that I have 4 germmy kids touching me ALL the time.

I have still not gotten my MRI or made any of my doctors appointments. I'm a bad patient. I have been feeling blue lately and I think it's mainly this unknown stuff regarding the kids. Are they healing? How long will they be with us? Is them going home the right thing? What happens if I never have children to call my own? Well this and trying to stay organized. I have never seen so much paper or had so many aces to be. EVER.

So that's an update on me. I'll try and come up with some good blog topics. Maybe I'll stray from illness and just talk about life. Anything you readers want to know about me or foster parenting or sarcoidosis?0

Your Disease Called

And it wants the focus back. This week we've had some crazy storms and that meant that my head was hurting. And I caught part of the stomach bug floating around they office which meant I called in sick Tuesday. Oh and I got my period so I pretty much hit the trifecta of feeling lousey. Really I just need to go see Dr. A but I need to find the time to get to his office without kids.

I was feeling kind of bad about my health today and I really need to get back to exercising since that will help with the tension I now carry for having a new job and for kids to be responsible for. I love my new job though! And I'm excited to finally be doing something I really love.

As my big birthday (30) looms near I've been thinking a lot about how I want to mark the occasion and I think I've finally decided to go for the tatoo on my foot. Sarcoidosis is a consideration as sometimes people with the disease don't heal as quickly and they scar. I'll have to see. I want a small tatoo in black on my foot with the lyrics to the song I'm named after. The last line: loves a state of mind. Which is significant with all I've over come and worked through and even now as a foster parent. Which is often challenging and thankless.

Any Sarcies out there had issues with tattoos?