In the past seven months I've learned a ton about trauma. I'm parenting 4 kids 3 of which have a severe trauma history. (Think every kind of abuse.) I've watched first hand as behaviors came out of no where in conjunction with trauma anniversaries but it wasn't until today that I became aware that I'm going through my own.
I've had this sense of sadness lately. Turning 30 was hard for me without my Grandma. Very clearly I recall her voicemail to me last year. "I'll owe you one." I never got that chance. When I was a little girl and my Great Grandma passed I always struggled with her passing around my birthday. She always remembered my birthday despite the 28 grandchildren and 4 other Great Granchdren she had.
My grandma was sick this time last year. She was going through chemotherapy. She wasn't eating. She had wasted away in her body. And in total ignorance of what would happen I carried on with my life. Completing the foster parenting classes and trying to finish climbing out of the deep hole depression had pushed me in. The doctors had told us she was going to get through the treatment. And then the day before Thanksgiving she passed. One week after her surgery.
We are quickly heading towards these holidays that mean so much to us and while we have already had our first Thanksgiving without her I somehow feel this will be harder. Also hard will be this weekend. We have to go to her antique booth to browse before my Grandfather closes it down. So much of her went into her antique business. Her handwriting is on ever price tag. Amounts of how much she paid neatly kept in her books. I don't want to see it gone because it's another tangible reminded that she isn't here. And my trauma of pain and loss kick right back in.
