An Education

Yesterday was my first acupuncture appointment since November 24th. Not because I didn't want to go I just couldn't seem to fit it in. One thing that people don't realize is its HARD to be chronically sick. On top of not feeling well and sometimes feeling so badly you can barely function you have to deal with the doctors appointments and bills and insurance associated with those appointments. When I got sick I didn't just gain an illness I was forced to also get an education.

I work in a medical office specifically handling insurance and even I have moments where I get confused. I had to call my insurance carrier yesterday for a few reasons 1) to notify them I was going to have acupuncture this year 2) resolve an EOB (explination of benefit) that they paid the doctor incorrectly 3) get them to have a previous provider that they paid take me out of collections because somehow they didn't recieve the check for $2.94.

I started with the incorrect payment. We hit our deductible last year on January 3rd. (ER visit) We hit our out of pocket max in March. So everything since has been paid at 100%. So I talk to customer care. I spend 15 minutes on the phone while she verifies what I'm saying. Then she transfers me to a "Rapid Resolution Specialist" who then reads me the notes which of course are wrong. It said that I had an issue with teh payment because my deductible was met. No I had an issue with the payment because my out of pocket was met. And I wonder what happens when people who don't know or understand the difference call. No wonder people are mystified by their insurance. No wonder I explain to at least 2 people daily how their insurance works. So the RRS puts me on hold for 5-7 minutes and comes back 10 minutes later to tell me she agrees with me. Repeat this scenario for the collections issue. Then I call back to get the notification line. Who try to tell me I have to complete another process called a GAP exception. Which I don't because my doctor is willing to accept what they pay him out of network. (That is when they pay him because my claims have been held up in Medical Review for the last 4 months.)

And all this just to GO to the appointment. For a while there I was seeing up to 3 doctors a week. All specialists. Do you know anything about specialists? I do because I work for one. Your appointment time isn't EVER going to be your appointment time. They do surgery they get called by the hospital, they have to give patients results, they see elderly patients who want to discuss their 80 years of medical issues in a 15 minute time slot. And they are going to take their time with the patients who need it - and trust me you want to be afforded the same courtesy. You could spend HOURS waiting to be seen for 5 minutes.

My personal take is to chill. I bring a book. I relish the various magazine options. I people watch. I gauge how I compare to the other patients. And I try to stay plesant with the staff because as someone who has sat at the Front Desk - they have no control over the pace of the appointments. I read the informational posters to bone up on the medical terminology I may need while in this office. Its hard for to say how much I've learned from being a patient vs working in the medical field but I do know that my personal experiences have helped my patients. I know pretty much what every medical imaging test is like because I've had them. So when patients strat to freak out because we've ordered a CT scan I can explain its not the same as an MRI.

I also have become very open since I've gained all this knowledge. Open to different kinds of treatment. Trusting in my doctors. Researching information so that I can understand it. Open to forgiving the insurance companies their mistakes. Because at the end of the day I'm going to still have to deal with them and its just easier if I'm not angry at all aspects of the illness.

So after my particularly challenging day. In a very challenging week* I walked over to my acupuncture office and waited patiently for Dr. A to be ready for me. And he took me back to the treatment room and stuck me with 14 needles (twice as many as normal) and I laid there for an hour in total bliss. Then he cracked my neck and I was a totally new woman...ready to come in to work today with a new patience for illness.

*My Grandmother's brother passed away on Saturday. We will be driving to Iowa tomorrow to honor his memory. Tomorrow is my Grandmother's birthday. Yesterday was also the anniversary of my Dad's father's passing. And the grief just seems so overwhelming at times.

Resolve

I've put so much stress on myself and the worry and anxiety have taken it toll on my body. I'm feeling those same emotions starting to bubble to the surface again and I want to address it before it takes over. So this year as I head into *ahem* my thirties I'm trying to reverse some of the damage that I've done.

1) In a major shocker my fitness level and weight are at the top of that list. So I'm hitting the gym with new knowledge and vigor. If only I could figure out my heart rate monitor I'd be all set. i've recommitted to Weight Watchers and their new plan which means fruit is Zero points and this makes me happy. Herbie and I are now tracking on the calendar in our kitchen the days we bring healthy lunches to work, cook dinner at home and hot the gym. So far I have more stickers :).

2) Get Organized. This is a sorce of some major stress in our lives. We have no routine. We have no schedule for our weekends. We have too much stuff and not enough places to put it and despite taking 4 contractor bag sizes of stuff to Goodwill I feel we could probably purge more. So each Saturday I plan on tackling a closet, cabinet, or drawer and I figure within the next 3 months the house will all be organized. (Seriously thats how little storage space we have.)

3) Take time for myself. I never do this. I'm always doing something for the household or work or with my family. And if I'm watching tv I'm feeling guilty that I'm not doing housework. So I'm allowing myself to take time for me doing things I love. Because if its one thing I've learned in the last 6 months its that life is short and you don't have an infinate amount of time to do the things you love. So I asked for Kindle for Christmas and I LOVE IT! I've read like 6 books. I asked for scrapbooking supplies and I've been allowing myself time to scrap. Because really what good are pictures if they never come off a computer? And who cares if you took them if they never come out of the shoe box they are stored in? Now I just need a place to put the scrapbooks so people can look at them.

For Carolyn

It took me a while to place these words here. They were spoken on a snowy December morning in the same church were the picture below was taken. She loved Christmas time and as my husband pointed out it somehow seemed fitting that the snow fell silently as we stood together as a family saying our final goodbyes.

As I post this the snow has melted due to a very warm New Years Eve. I can't help but see the beauty in that - a fresh start, the sad day gone away. The sticky mud left for us to deal with. Regaining our footing on this new ground. Wishing for even nicer weather and a time where we can know what to expect outside. A time when things like singing Happy Birthday and count downs to midnight don't cause tears. So on this 2nd day of 2011 I share with you my heart in hopes that I can get to a place beyond loss. A place were I can remember smiles and laughter and know that one day we will be together again.

Good afternoon. On behalf of the Malsam Family I would like to thank all of you for being with us today to share in the celebration of Carolyn Ann Malsam’s life. As I look out and see this church full of friends and family I know my Grandma would be truly touched.

A few minutes is certainly not enough time to share with you, all of the wonderful things those who knew Carolyn felt about her. And if you are here today I’m sure you’ve experienced first hand her kindness, sincerity, generosity or her ability to make everyone feel included and welcome. She had a gift when it came to making people feel special and I know that Bob, Joe, and Will felt more like sons than son-in laws and that Herbie and Liza were not the spouses of Grandchildren but rather Grandchildren numbers six and seven.

Carolyn had many gifts, among them courage and tenacity. I don’t believe there was anything she ever tried in which she didn’t succeed. She ran a clothing store and became a dental assistant and after she retired decided to become an antique dealer. You have not seen determation unless you’ve seen Carolyn at an auction trying to buy what she wanted. She would set her jaw, look only at the auctioneer and bid until she hit the limit she had set for herself or the other person backed down from intimidation WHICH was fairly often. Then she would take these filthy, worn and broken pieces home and turn them into beautiful treasures. In reality she was an artist as well.

She was the apple of her father’s eye. She was also a Big Sister to Marilyn, Joann, Judy, Larry, Ricky, Robby, David, Joey and Mary Jo. She loved to tell us stories about growing up in Des Moines with her siblings and it was important to her that her children and grandchildren know the Barsetti Family as well. They are a fun loving bunch just like their sister with laughs that are similar and contagious. And Carolyn cherished those times when the family would gather together and she would be so pleased to see all the little ones continuing the family legacy.

But Grandma was the heart of the Malsam Family. And every day she exemplified what it was to love others. For 53 years she was married to her best friend, George Malsam. Not many people marry someone they meet in kindergarten but my Grandparents don’t fall into the category of most people. They had a love that was strong and giving and radiated to those around them. You would often see my Grandpa stealing kisses from his Honey Bunch. And after all these years they were young people in love who would hold hands and giggle. The sight of them dancing together could take your breath away. The amount of respect and trust that they had in one another was apparent even after spending just a few minutes with them. Carolyn was his pearl. Radiant and delicate. Someone to treasure. A rare find for most – God’s plan for him.

Together they raised three really amazing individuals who each took after their Mother in their own ways. My Mom, Kathleen got Grandma’s sense of style and knack for decorating as well as her love of hunting down bargains. Uncle George inherited Grandma’s generosity and sense of hospitality as well as her culinary skills. Aunt Suzanne shares her creativity, her love of nature and the outdoors and her ability to bake.

Us grandchildren were fortunate to receive many of her talents and traits. Emily has her sense of adventure and kindness. Tyler has her ability to make friends everywhere he goes and her smile. Brian has Grandma’s sense of loyalty and her giving spirit. Justin received her organizational skills as well as her love of cooking. I learned her thoughtfulness and have her eyes and her faith. But the one thing we can all say about Grandma was that she loved us regardless of our missteps or mistakes. She was proud of her family and I know we will strive to continue making her proud.

Carolyn never passed up an opportunity to make an everyday moment into a memory or a life lesson and I know our family will find comfort in those remembrances. While her passing is a loss for our family she would want us to look at it as a blessing as she will now be able to watch over us at all times. With her bright smile and twinkling eyes she will be there and we will carry her in our hearts and honor her with our love for one another.